


Late Summer Storms

by zoe4000



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Ryden, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Thunderstorms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 14:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1120702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoe4000/pseuds/zoe4000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- A Ryden non-famous AU -</p><p>"The summer had been a warm but damp one with hot winds from the south blowing in, bringing with them torrential rain. Nature and wildlife had flourished, along with many peoples’ spirits.<br/>I half smirked as I thought about it; everything had flourished except me. I had grown weaker and more miserable, drawing myself in. it was my own fault, I guessed. I’d been the one conveniently forgetting to eat, the one creating the angry red lines on my arms and legs, the one thinking the thoughts.<br/>“Me,” I mumbled “only me.”"</p><p>Brendon and Ryan are in a long term relationship but Ryan's depression, lack of self confidence, and low self esteem are leading him to second guess his boyfriend's love for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unloveable

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be kinda short but longer than a one-shot.  
> I have no affiliation in any way to any of the people in the story and as far as I know, the circumstances and happenings in this text are entirely fictional.
> 
> TW: mentions of eating dissorders, self harm, suicide. Nothing graphic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I was listening to when I wrote it was The Big Sleep - Bat for Lashes, so check that out if you wanna.

_**Ryan:**_  
  
I sat with my back against the bathroom door, staring blankly ahead in the small room. The mistakenly installed heat lamp bulb that glowed above me offered no comfort; making no difference to the numbing cold that rested inside my chest.  
The window at the far end of the room was cracked. The piece of card that had once been taped over it had long since fallen off, leaving a fist sized hole for the evening’s humid air to drift through.  
The summer had been a warm but damp one with hot winds from the south blowing in, bringing with them torrential rain. Nature and wildlife had flourished, along with many peoples’ spirits.  
I half smirked as I thought about it; everything had flourished except me. I had grown weaker and more miserable, drawing myself in. it was my own fault, I guessed. I’d been the one conveniently forgetting to eat, the one creating the angry red lines on my arms and legs, the one thinking the thoughts.  
“Me,” I mumbled “only me.”  
A small gust of wind blew through the broken window and ruffled my hair, carrying the tang of a building storm. Brendon and I always used to sit out on the porch during storms, just out of reach of the lashing rain but still within the grasp of the almost tropical air, curled up together on the old wicker two-seater.  
Brendon.  
I looked down at the letter in my hand. God, he was going to hate me if… What the hell, he probably already did. How could he tolerate me and my perpetually fucked up existence?  
I shook my head. No, he couldn’t tolerate me. I knew deep down he couldn’t. I mean if I couldn’t put up with myself, how could anyone else, let alone Brendon? He just felt sorry for me, I bet.  
I was wasting space. I was surplus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's kind of a short chapter, I promise I'll try make future chapters longer.  
> What do you think so far?  
> Yeah... Until next time then
> 
> zoe x


	2. Can't Find You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the first half of this this chapter I was listening to Sometimes the Stars - The Audreys and the second half was How To Disappear Completely - Radiohead  
> Check em out if you want.

_**Brendon:**_  
  
There was a slight buzz of electricity in the muggy evening as I made my way through the parking lot to my car. There was definitely a storm coming, just as the report had said, a pretty big one judging by the colour of the clouds.  
I wanted to get home to Ryan as soon as I could. I wanted to curl up with him and watch the downpour.  
I hated thunder when I was alone and he knew that, always making a point of wrapping his thin arms around me at the first lightning bolt.  
I smiled. He made me feel safe. My smile faltered a little as I remembered how vulnerable he could be too. He was so thin, way too thin, and I knew what lay beneath the long sleeves he always wore.   
I lit a cigarette, realising on the exhale that Ryan needed me just as much as I needed him, maybe even more.  
  


The first spots of rain fell on my windshield as the car crawled through the glut of home- bound traffic. I chewed my lip, half in nervous anticipation of the impending thunderstorm and half out of frustration at myself for being late home.  
“C’mon traffic, move it!” I muttered, lighting another cigarette. Other than the storm, I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious to get home. There was an underlying current of unease that lingered on the edges of my subconscious.  
I shook my head and took a long drag of the smoke, trying to relax. I was nearly home now.  
  


“Babe, I’m home!” I pushed the door open with my foot, hands full with shopping bags. “You would not believe the amount of traffic I was stuck in. It… Ryan?”   
The house was dark and quiet aside from the ticking and humming of the old fridge in the room over.  
“Ry?” I placed the bags on the ground and stepped further into our house.   
No reply.   
I could feel my stomach starting to knot and I mentally shoved myself for getting so worked up; he was probably just asleep upstairs or something.  
I shut the front door, picked up the bags and walked into the kitchen, flipping lights on as I went.   
After unpacking the bags and still hearing no noises from my boyfriend, I headed for the stairs. The darkness at the top reknotted my stomach; Ryan hated the dark even more than I hated thunder. I switched the light on and continued to our room, hoping that the reason for the darkness was that Ryan had fallen asleep when it was still light out.  
Tapping lightly on the closed door, I called his name. No response.  
I frowned; Ryan was not a heavy sleeper. This was not normal. I pushed the door open into the darkened room. The bed was still unmade from this morning and there was no Ryan on it, I could see that clearly enough in the light from the bathroom. The door was cracked open and a thin beam of yellow light spilled into the bedroom.  
My breathing hitched as I thought of what state Ryan could be in.   
“Ry?” I slowly walked over to the bathroom door, taking a deep breath before pulling it wide open.  
I stepped back in confusion as a sick feeling filled my gut. There was still no Ryan. Not lying in a pool of his own blood or surrounded by pills or face down in the bath as the images that had flown through my mind had suggested. He wasn’t there in any state.   
Running my hands through my hair, I sank down against the wall, my head in my hands.  
“Oh man… Where are you Ross?” I whispered.   
A sudden feeling of idiocy hit me.  _Just call him, you moron. You have a phone, don’t you?_   Of course I did.   
As I stood up to grab my phone from downstairs, something caught my eye.  
On the corner of the sink sat Ryan’s phone, next to which was a neatly folded sheet of paper.  
My head swam and I was suddenly aware of how loud the rain outside was.   
I stared at the paper, reading and rereading my name that was scrawled on it in Ryan's messy handwriting.   
I picked it up, hands shaking. I knew what it was but I was hoping beyond all hope that I was somehow wrong.

_Bren,_

_I’m sorry. I know I’m nowhere near good enough for you. You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone you actually love, not just someone you feel sorry for._  
I’m doing this because, being completely honest, I can’t see the point in living given I’m a fucking waste of space. I can’t deal with seeing you pretend that you care about me every day.  
This isn’t your fault so don’t you dare blame yourself. If you’re going to blame someone, pick me. It’s all my doing. It’s my fault I’m such a fuck up.   
I’m just holding you back.  
I didn’t want you to come home and find me all pathetic on the floor so I’ve left.   
Please don’t try find me.  
I will always, always love you Brendon

_Ryan_

My knees crumpled, dropping me hard back down to the tile floor. I felt sick.   
I had to find him; I had to tell him that he was loved, truly and always. I had to stop him from... Oh god.  
I launched myself up off the bathroom floor and practically flew down the stairs; I was almost sure I knew where he'd be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  I didn't expect to be uploading 2 chapters in a night but there's writing inspiration for you, I guess. Heh...  
> Due to the fact that I'm away camping at the moment with very unreliable internet, the next chapter may not get written or at least published for a while. Sorry about that...  
> until next time  
> zoe x


End file.
